'Tis the Season to Get Gnarly! State Cyclocross!!!!

GOOD GAWD!!!!  If you survived this past weekend you are either feeling as sore as a pole dancer working a 12 hour shift or suffering from a violent beeriod provided by our gracious Tall Grass beer sponsor.  It's a good thing that hosting such events doesn't happen on a weekly basis...if that was the case everyone would be in dire need of rehab.

poor guy.

The anticipation State Cross gave us couldn't have gotten more climatic with each day stroke it provided.  Riverside Park was the perfect setting for a race of such caliber.  Stairs, burms, railing down hills, off-camber goodness, and a little slop provided by Mother Nature.  The only thing unfortunate about the weekend is that it had to come to an end.

 

Friday night was filled with a great deal of pipe laying...that is pvc pipes you perves!  The course was laid and all we could do is sit back and grin. This was going to be Huuuuuuuuge!  I mean it was BIG!  I don't know how people could ride it...because it was a BIG COURSE that's all.

Saturday wasn't necessarily the official day of state cross, but it was full of fun heckling.  For those who showed up to race, it definitely played to their advantage.  I'll be the first to admit, TRW is not loaded down with a bunch of cx racers.  In all honesty, we only race 2 or 3 cross races a year.  With that being said I'm confident in saying I don't think many die hard cx racers in MO out there could say they have rode many courses this year such as this.  It served as a perfect appetizer for Sunday while just wetting their tounges enough to get real nasty....

Fuzzy lip Stoney.

We at TRW often feel that the party shouldn't stop at a race.  Of matter of fact we take a pride in our hearts that we try to make an event as intoxicating as possible.  Afterall, this was a 2 day event.  We only felt it necessary to meet under the bridge across the river and begin a two wheeled operation across the State Capital giving birth to havoc to anyone who crossed the paths of our bikes.  About 12 of us took out across some MO River singletrack to tell gnarly tales of dirt grinding, beer drinking, and obscene jokes.  After our bags of beer became dry, the convoy took off toward town.

Waiting under the bridge...always a pretty view.

Secret location...if you didn't attend you'll never know.

On our way to our first pub of the evening, Bob Jenkins gave us the pleasure of his portayal of Leonardo DiCrapio in Titanic.  I have to admit, I was rather impressed with Jenkin's no handed bike skills, but I was a little concerned about his manlihood after admitting he had seen the movie, Titanic.  

Rolling into one of our fine establishments, I overheard the owner in utter shock that a pub full of rowdy dude in bicycle helmets were overtaking her bar.  We were soon tossing balls...that's bocce balls perves, GOD YA'LL HAVE DIRTY MINDS, and two of the biggest jerks known to man showed up, Mr. Jim Davis, and that f'n Casey Ryback guy...bastards.  It was inevitable that things were going to begin to get hazy, as for they did.  If my memory holds true, people were playing with blue balls and red ones too...ONCE AGAIN I'M TALKING ABOUT BOCCE PEOPLE!  I think Bob Jenkins did his second impersonation of the evening...this one being a water fountain off of a deck...hold on...I think he did three...Evil Kinevil down the stairs on his chopper bike...what a travesty.  There are some other foggy memories of sparks flying, bunny hopping, running red lights, cursing, farting, belching, partial nudity...maybe not the nudity, more cursing, riding in curved lines because staying straight was hard...hell, I don't know.  I do know that our second pub was louder than the last. 

Playing with balls.

When Sunday morning arrived I was trying to figure out who dumped a load of turd in my mouth and who beat me with a sledge.  It must of been that freakin' jerk Grothoff who crashed at my abode. Stumbling around, trying my best not to splurge my inner guts, it dawned on me that the we still had another day mayhem ahead of us.  I was also trying to figure out why there were chickens wandering around my living room, why my nipples were pierced, why there were ninja swords sitting above my fireplace mantle, why there was a dead guinea pig in the toilet, why my dogs were spray painted pink, and gallons of chocalate milk dumped on the floor.  I didn't ask questions.  We needed to get to race.

 

The crowd had grown tremendously from the day before.  As in good fashion of all big cross races, it was only necessary that many dressed in appropriate attire.  The HUUUUUUUGGGGGEEEE headache that was once moshing in my cranium had turned into a celabratory jig, but not quite as awesome as Pete Henry's dance moves.

 

We were adorned with perfet cx weather.  Slippery and chilly.  If racers couldn't handle their bikes today, they were in trouble.  The course lent itself to plenty of wreckage and pain.  So much pain this 4 yr. old crushed every single racer up the stair climb.  

 

The debauchery did not stop from the previous night.  Pecker fingers were given and Dan Furryman respectfully unofficially earned the "State Cross Heckler of the Year Award". He also earned the costume of the day if you ask me.  Not many people can rock a Canadian Tuxedo like Furryman can.  Please racers, if you were offended in any way during this race...well I pitty you.  Grow some thick skin and let some people have fun.

Always a fan of carnage!

Congrats to all the state champions from this weekend.  TRW truly respects CX and those who attended.  A big thanks goes out to all those who help make this race freakin' awesome, Jeff Yielding, Nick Smith...hell there are so damn many, I can't name all of them.  I hope I'm not too big of an a-hole for not name everyone, but hopefully you know you're greatly appreciated.

That hill is HUUUGGGGGGEEEEEE! That's a big hill...just sayin'.

That dude stole Jenkin's beer!

Move of the day! Friedman rode all the stairs!!!!  That deserves a freakin' jersey!

Hey you Seagal Jerks!  Hope you're ready for TRW to infiltrate your CXMas!  We fear no egg nog!

Comments

[Casey F. Ryback]

I have a perfectly good explanation for your house in the. Morning. We were watching a cock fight while drinking choclate milk, but as soon as we found out they werent good fighting chickens, we got bored so i pierced your nipples with the ninja sword, but that spooked the dog so I tried to calm it down with spray paint, but the spray paint got on your guinea pig so I tried to wash it off on your toilet but it accidentally drowned.

Sorry Brah.

[Everything is still hazy]

Phew! I was afraid somehow the guinea pig fell from my GI track.

[Luke]

Sorry I missed this... Especially in my own backyard. But I had family Christmas stuff and work obligations. It sounds like it was a blast.