Specialized BicyclesAs stated in recent posts, adventures never begin until something goes wrong. Cranksgiving was epic...let's make that an epic adventure of infinite proportions. Below you will read the epicnicity that occurred:
7:30AM: I depart from my house on my ole' Stumpy after a delicious Nutella and Peter Pan Peanut Butter Sandwhich. We were to depart from Cranskgiving at 8:00AM sharp from Dos Primos in Holt Summit.
8:00AM: Bob Jenkins and Brent AKA "Lazer" arrive at Dos Primos
8:05AM: I'm in freak mode because I've only reached Oil Well Rd. There is still about 5 miles to go and every road to Holt's Summit is uphill. My lungs are burning.
8:10AM: Jenkin's and the late bike Red Wheel bike mechanic, Lazer, begin to curse me for standing them up on this sweet ride.
8:20AM: I'm in deep relief that Lazer and Jenkins have yet to leave. I finally arrived, but I'm sweatier than a redneck watching Deliverance and have snot frozen to my face. I've been chomping at the bit for Cranksgiving...Jenkins has been hard at work putting together one of the gnarliest monster cross rides to date.
8:25AM: We're off.
8:45AM: I realize that Jenkins is wearing a pair of lycra cycling shorts that expose part of his arse crack. I puke a little in my mouth.
9:15AM: Lazer expels a fart...we giggle.
9:35AM: We arrive at the gates of the IMBA epic (ok, maybe not imba epic, but badder than a honey badger), Dirty Jenkins. Dirty Jenkins is a monstercrosser's nasty dream. Singletrack, Mark Twain National Forest, and scenic views.
9:50AM: Jenkins breaks a derailleur.
10:02AM: It's always handy to have a bike mechanic on hand. Lazer makes Jenkin's Tricross a single speed.
10:14AM: We hit more singletrack. I shread it. Then feel a rumble in the belly.
10:22AM: The singletrack ends and I hit a gravel road. I contemplate taking care of the belly rumbling in the woods, but then notice a no dumping sign...I squeeze my butt cheeks.
10:23AM: Still waiting on Jenkins and Lazer
10:25AM: They arrive with big grins because this ride is sweeter than ever. They stop and we have to tighten Jenkins newly threaded single speed...this means a tougher gear...Jenkins begins to dribble in his chamois.
10:25AM: Monster climb and the temperature is 43 degrees Fahrenheit. I think about how this is perfect gravel weather.
10:58AM: Lazer belches...we giggle.
11:03AM: We are bombing down Johnson Cemetery Road while the lusting thoughts of gravel reverberate in our brains.
11:09AM: Bob Jenkins screams for his life. Lazer and I thought he had been viciously attacked by a toy poodle that was chasing us earlier. We find him with limbs intact, but his chainring was not. He blew out his chainring from the spider attached to his cranks. We all let out numerous curse words. In the back of our minds we begin to think about the horrors of banjo music in the background. Our taints begin to tighten.
11:11AM: We contemplate calling my wife to find us, Jenkins insists that Lazer and I ride to the Moon Loop trail head and check out the singletrack. I ask Jenkins how the hell he'll make it back. He looks at me with complete conviction and says,"Don't worry about me. I'll make it back. I'm Bob Jenkins." Lazer and I went to find the Moon Loop.
11:20AM: Lazer and I find the trail head, but I fail to notice I'm heading for an enormous mud slop puddle. I get launched from my saddle and land in sewage smelling filth. I think it was a pile of horse shit.
11:38AM: Lazer and I are cruising on some epic singletrack. We are elated that we followed Jenkins' orders. I could tell he was business...I was not to disobey. This was awesome!
11:45AM: Lazer and I are back on gravel. Jenkins believed he could find us by the time we would get to the end of the trail by taking back roads. Remember, Jenkins' bike is trashed and unridable, but he knows these grounds like the back of his hand.
12:04PM: Still no Jenkins. We went searching. Finally we come in contact with Jenkins. We agree to meet at the corner of Co Rd 354 and Hwy J. I called my wife and she agreed to meet us there and pick us up, but we had a great deal of riding left to do and Jenkins had to walk.
12:19PM: Lazer and I reach Rutherford Cave Rd, a road I have ridden many times, but Jenkins told us of a must ride singletrack off-shoot that has one of the most amazing views in the state of Missouri. We find it...a place I have ridden by numerous times and have never noticed. Lazer and I ride down this trail and find a small campsite that offered an incredible view off a bluff. Awesome.
12:31PM: Lazer and I roll pass the the crazy redneck's house that has a sign stating he will shoot any man, women, or child that steps on his property...what a dick.
12:45PM: We finally reach the Co Rd 354 and hwy J junction. My wife is on her way...we have no clue how far Jenkins is behind us. We are hoping he has not been molested by any rednecks.
12:57PM: My wife finds us and we depart to find Jenkins.
1:05PM: Jenkins is riding his bike like a skateboard since his cranks don't operate. He looks like he just walked through a gang initiation. His face is blue, there's drool running down the front of his jersey, and he has a dead animal skull strapped to his handlebars. Obviously he dismembered an opossum to survive this trip. He begins crying when he finds us...tears of joy run down my face as well as Lazers...he's alive.
1:15PM: My wife Cole is driving us home. The heater is blasting and we all smell of sewer. Jenkins tells stories of how he killed the opossum with his teeth. Lazer and I tell stories of how we can't wait to go back and do this again. All of us think about drinking IPA.
Although the mission was not fully completed, we would never trade the day back. For those who have yet to venture around these parts, you're missing out! Jenkins has found a gold mind of unused forest, and we need to take advantage of this. The Cedar Cross race will be a race that no one will want to miss. The best part, Jenkins has yet to reveal all of it!
I'm so excited, I just peed myself a little bit! I love gravel and I love women!!!
Posted by: Nick | Nov 23, 2011 at 10:29 PM
Holy crap, you can actually see the trail. It's not covered in leaves. Did Bob leaf-blow it? Sorry I missed this, but I had a really bad case of the sniffles. I may need to go to the doctor and get tested for AMS.
That sign says "No Trespassing", but it doesn't say he's going to shoot you for that. It says if you shoot a gun at his house, he will shoot back. I know plenty of guys that would do the same, they just don't advertise it.
Are there maps/cue sheets on-line? I want to do the whole thing, but preferably not on the same weekend as this.
Posted by: Stoney | Nov 24, 2011 at 11:10 AM
Crazy day fellas...
When is this CX race you speak of.
Posted by: Jeff yielding | Nov 24, 2011 at 12:33 PM
last time i went through rutherford cave we packed our bikes through couple feet of snow. now that was epic. why does this shit always happen to Jenkins?
Posted by: barry | Nov 24, 2011 at 01:02 PM
Barry, every time I ride on Rutherford I'm thankful I'm not hiking through a foot and a half of snow.
Jeff-that's a question for Jenkin's.
Posted by: Matt | Nov 25, 2011 at 10:50 AM
I guess I'm just lucky, Barry. Look at all the new parts I get to buy!
Stoney, I've got the route laid out on mapmyride.com. I'll leave a paper copy at the shop.
And yes, I blew the leaves off the trail on that piece of singletrack right before the Burnett school bridge. I also moved about 90% of those loose boulders off the trail and put in some water-drains. It rides pretty good now, but still needs to be rerouted.
Jeff, I'm hoping to have this race ready to go by april-may. The trail system is completely neglected, so there's a lot of work to be done. I'm still tying together the gravel and the singletrack with as little pavement as possible.
I guarantee good times when this race/ride happens. The Cedar Cross will be an event you don't want to miss.
Posted by: Bob Jenkins | Nov 25, 2011 at 12:24 PM
Man that sounds like an awesome day, makes me sad that I was working instead. Bob I need to venture up, I would love to ride some of this with you. I am definetly in for the Cedar Cross, as long as I know far enough ahead of time, so I can request it off.
Posted by: Travis Hammons | Nov 26, 2011 at 06:58 PM
Bob, look forward to it, you know I'll be there if I can and you don't do it the same weekend as the tour of hermann, April 21-22
Posted by: Jeff Yielding | Nov 27, 2011 at 06:50 AM