Team Red Wheel

Its amost time to bring the party to them!

Road Ride?

Want to get strong? You gotta ride the road. I know, I know, but we get to drink beer and eat pork tenderloin sandwiches after the ride.

Road ride this Sunday from the Post Office Bar and Grill in Fulton. Ride rolls out at 8am. Sag supported. 35, 40, and 50 mile options so everyone can do this. EVERYONE CAN DO THIS!

Last time we did this ride Bopp and I road up from Jeff, anybody want to try it again, might get a century in.

Bonkhard 6/12hr duathalon: Race Report

Now I see why Barry is a grumpy old bastard!  This 6hr endurance stuff will wear on you.  Throughout the race I just kept hearing his high pitch raspy voice in my head going off about how I’m making excuses for being a pussy.

Well, here is how it all went down.  We got up and drove down to Berryman for the Bonkhard racing 6/12hr off-road duathlon.  My mom road with us and it was the first race of mine that she has been to.  I was thinking of asking her to come to the Tall Oaks race but I’m not so sure I want to do that (after the display of Greco/homo wrestling at the single speed race).

I entered the 6hr solo division and Noelle my African/Indian girl friend (whose name is Talks Without Point) entered the sport division.  The race started with a 4.5 mile trail run down single track and gravel road and then you biked abound 12 miles - 8 of which was single track.  This was continuous for 6hrs – the sport division was one lap of each.

The first lap was fun!   You could choose to start on the run or the bike.  I decided to get the running out of the way.  I ended up coming out of the run in like 5^th place after being passed by 2 guys.  The run felt great but there was a looooooooonnnnnnnnnnnng UPHILL fire road coming out of the single track that did suck a big dick.  Then I got to the bike leg.  I passed the 2 guys on the bike that passed me on the run.  On the second lap the run went pretty good also.  When I got to the transition area I was so glad to see Noelle didn’t die on the single track.  Her race was done and she was just chilling taking pics and drinking beer with the race directors…   (I’ll keep my comments to myself on this one).  Now the 2^nd bike leg was not as good as the first lap.  I was starting to cramp.  I didn’t want to do another lap.  I ended up rolling in and seeing how many guys were out on the course.  I figured I was tied for third but the guy I was tied with was doing the race opposite than me (he biked first/I ran first).  So I had to go back out.  They were doing the awards for the sport division and come to find out Noelle was the overall winner (men and women).   The run sucked.  I grabbed a clif bar and a bottle of heed and some shot blocks and did what I could to refuel and run, walk, crawl, etc.  I figured I would be shot for the bike.  I got back and changed into my bike shoes.  Just doing this I had a full leg cramp.  I went out and actually felt decent on the bike.  I didn’t know where I was in place but I knew I had to haul ass.  I ended up getting 3^rd place and only by a few minutes.   It was a great day for all!  You couldn’t ask for a better day to race – the weather was beautiful.

The end.

 

 

 

Rim Job

Yes, it truly was a Rapture in Misery.

This was an epic race from the time we left home until the time we got home. I can only speak for the members of my own team, the self-named "Team Red Wheel Junior-Varsity Choad Squad", but I will say with absolute certainty that we will be attending this race every year from now until the day we die.

On raceday I was pleased to roll out of the tent to see the Dragon wistfully preparing his legendary "Dragon-Cakes". There's just something about a chocolate chip-laden pancake dipped in Great Value maple syrup that puts a guy in the mood to kick ass. Nobody can rock a pancake like the Dragon.

Not long after breakfast Stoney reported to camp and informed us that he would not be racing today. It seems some asshole had wrecked him on the Katy Trail a few days earlier, phucking his shoulder up bad enough that it just wasn't going to happen. Asshole Katy Trail riders really should try to be more responsible.(It was me)

And so a three-man team was formed. The Dragon, Corey Case, and yours truly, Bob Jenkins joined forces to form a tripod of greatness the likes of which the world has never seen. (Or something like that.) The Dragon would be our Captain....piloting us on our way to glory.

At the pre-race meeting, the race director informed us that there were something like 180 racers, (only 3 porta-potties), and he had not been expecting so many. He also spoke of a trail-section called "Humpty-Dumpty", and explained that if you weren't an advanced mountain biker you should definitely get off your bike and walk your sorry ass across this section or you would die. There was also another super-fast-and-dangerous-as-fuck section clearly marked on the trail that was not to be toyed with. A sign with 3 red arrows clearly marked this as an area to be cautious or pay the price. Other than that it was super flowy fast singletrack.

I was elected to go first. This was to be my first "real" Lemans-style start. This would involve a fairly steep uphill run going up a rocky fire-road. As I walked down the hill, pretty much everyone around me was none too pleased at the prospect of running up such a long hill. I'm not a runner, so I was really nervous about how to pace myself. It'd be pretty embarrassing to get to the top of the climb just so I could throw up all over my bike. The one cool part of all this was standing at the bottom of the hill among the other competitors and my team-mates, including Berry "the old bastard"Vollmer, Chris "The Champ" Bopp, and Team-Seagal badass "Mason-Storm". I will admit, it was just a bit cold standing there in their shadows.

Somebody said "Go" and we started up the hill. I was having a lot of trouble not tripping over the people in front of me, so I jumped in the ditch and started running my ass off. I passed a lot of dudes that way, and before long I was bumbling my way onto my bike. On the run I had passed Chris Bopp, so I knew he would be up my ass as soon as he made it to his bike. (Must go fast). The first part of the course was a sprint-friendly area of open grass leading into a narrow trail next to the woodline. I'd say I was towards the rear of a group of about 15 dudes going through that section. We were absolutely hauling ass and I was way out of my comfort range.  A large dust cloud was being kicked up behind the riders in front of me and it looked awesome. 

I decided I better back off a bit to save some energy, and that was precisely the moment I heard a voice behind me saying, "Well if it isn't my team-mate Bob Jenkins!!" It was Chris Bopp....and he wasn't even breathing hard. I offered to let him pass but he elected to stay behind me. Now, I've ridden with my boy Chris Bopp long enough to know what that means.... it means he stays right on my ass telling me to go faster until i collapse or crash. Lucky for me I wrecked. After that I just let him go; there was plenty of racing left to do and I wasn't going to be able to keep up with "The Champ" anyway.

About a mile later the trail spit us out onto a levee or a dam of some kind. I saw 4-5 riders ahead of me so I decided to try to reel them in. Near the end of the levee I was pretty gassed but had overtaken them all. In my mind I was like, "Yeah, suck it bitches!" but it was short lived. As soon as we tucked back into the trail I was face-to-face with the mother of all fire-road climbs. This hill was forever long and very steep. I gave it all I had, but still wound up pushing my bike at least 50% of the way up. I think 3 of those other riders passed me on that hill. It sucked bad, but when I got to the top it all seemed worthwhile.

Well shit, here comes Humpty Dumpty. It's not hard to see how someone could get hurt right there, but I have to confess it was a pretty amazing bit of trail. It was a downward spiraling staircase; there would be a railroad-tie across the trail immediately followed by (I'd say) a 3-4 foot vertical drop. I want to say there were 4 or 5 of those, and they were amazing. There was a side-route you could take to avoid the jumps, but this piece of trail was just too much fun to avoid. I made all the drops, but I shudder to think how ugly it looked. If there had been a lump of coal in my ass it would have turned into a diamond. It was so scary, but so fun.....like grabbing the breast of Steven Seagal's woman.

Later we would all agree that the other section of "super-dangerous" trail really wasn't that scary. It was all downhill and very rocky, but it was mostly in a straight line and for the most part very, very fun. At the bottom there was a 90 degree switchback which surely punished a few folks, (***cough..Corey...cough***)  but it was mostly fantastic.

At the halfway point there was a little "Aid-station". A dude was sitting under an awning playing music, handing out energy drinks, bananas, cookies, oranges, and BEER. As the evening wore on, he would have all kinds of disco balls and lights on his little camp.

We went across the levee and straight back into some more badass singletrack. There is no way to describe it all, other than to say that you should definitely go there next year.

Eventually the trail spit us out into an open field again. I could see people ahead so I started reeling them in again. (I guess those Katy Trail rides are finally paying off). For whatever reason I did really well at catching and passing people in this section. Soon we could hear cowbells and fans screaming, and not long after that we were back on singletrack. This lap was almost over. I could see a guy about 100 ft in front of me, so I did what I could to catch up with him. When I finally did catch up I noticed he was running pink streamers from his handlebars. Oh shit, all I could think about was how all my friends were going to see me finish my first lap behind some ass-hat with pink streamers. This fucker had to be dealt with in a hurry. When we came out of the woods into the open grass area I made my move. I couldn't waste oxygen with all of that "on your left" bullshit, so I passed him going through the tall-grass and sprinted until my lungs exploded.

I handed off the baton to Corey Case and watched in awe as he proceeded to destroy all who rode before him. The man was on a mission and his lap-times are proof.

Next was the Dragon, who blasted off on his fully rigid singlespeed to complete our trifecta of badness.

Anyone who wanted to take 4th place in this race was going to be disappointed. The day was ours and we knew it.

After 2 laps on my fully rigid '69er I knew I couldn' t do it anymore, and neither could the Dragon. We were done and we didn't give two shits about any of the names Chris Bopp was calling us. I decided to sit trailside drinking beer and supporting other racers. 5 or 6 beers later I was sitting there thinking that if I could ride Corey's full suspension rig.....maybe I could do it?

And so we decided to share the bike. My 3rd lap resulted in a laptime equally as pathetic as the 1st 2, but I didn't care. I rode half the course, then had a beer with the guy at the "Aid Station".  (He was a super cool dude, btw.) Then I finished the lap.

Corey meanwhile, was turning in ridiculous laptimes. Where the fuck did he come from? Here I was thinking we were pretty close to the same speed and now he's crushing me by 10 minutes? I heard he even finished faster than some guy whose name rhymes with Pris Chopp? Again I say, WTF?!?

Then the rain started. Corey came in from his 3rd lap and reported that the trail was slicker than possum shit. It was dark now too. Soon it would be a slimy mudfest.

I have to admit that by this point I had a serious boner. Shitty weather conditions get me all excited for some reason. The rain really started coming down when I was about a mile into the trail, and I thought I might have to have the smile surgically removed from my face. It was indeed a slop-fest; the rocks were super slippery, mud was everywhere, and the rain was coming down harder and harder.  Visibility was shit, and in the lower parts of the trail there was a very thick fog. The force of the rain coming down was only outmatched by the force of the water coming UP off of the tires. One time I wrecked on a fast downhill and I actually passed another rider while sliding in the mud.

It was fucking E-P-I-C.

I have never had more fun on a mountain bike than I did on that rainy night. The dudes at the "Aid Station" were in full-on party mode by the time I got there, and I just had to hang out for a while. Somewhere on the trail I passed a super-hardcore female Mesa rider, and eventually I even wound up riding side-by-side with none other than Team Seagal's Casey Ryback. He and I eventually wound up joining forces with 3 other dudes and riding the last 3 miles together.....until we got to some serious mud and I got left behind.

A great race course, a great group of friends, loads of beer, and epic weather conditions.....what more could a person possibly want?

I know what I want... I want to do it again. I'll see you chumps at the Tall Oaks Challenge!!!

The ensuing storm destroyed my digital camera, but here are a few shots courtesy of Mr Case and his woman whose indian name is "Talks without a point"

The Dragon begin begins his merciless assault on Crowder Park as the world watches in fear (scary background music)

In perhaps the most "photoshoppable" picture of all time, Corey Case sets out to lay waste to any and all lap-times logged by anyone wearing a black jersey. Note the rider in the background (who looks a lot like me) clearly suffering from a horrible case of manginitis.

"The Mitch" begins his battle at Crowder Park. Previously in the day, The Mitch won an argument with the race registrar whom tried to argue that his first name was not "The" and that his emergency contact should not be "Jesus".

Geriatic olympic superstar Berry Vollmer is seen here. (Note: Gynormous cloud of ass-dust has been cropped from image so as not to disgrace the aforementioned Mr. Vollmer. May his bowels rest in peace.)

Here we see some fast bastard mounting up on a pretty sweet Hardrock '69er with disc brakes. Nice bike lardo!!

Here we see Chris Bopp telling me to "quit being a bitch" and get back out there for another lap while Stoney and the Dragon look on in disgust at my weakness.

From left to Right,  The Dragon, Corey Case, The Champ, The Mitch, and Mr. Barry Vollmer. I didn't want to be in your fucking group photo anyway, you assholes.

A Little Pre-Cross Season Bike Porn

Gettin' fired up already!

 

Race Report, RIM

This course was probably the best course I have ever raced on.  It was in fantastic condition, and it was a lot of fun.  A great race and a great day.  Although the6-hour solo race was completed by the time it started to rain.  To get an idea of how it was after the rain you'll have to wait and hear from Bob, Corey or Luke.  They did the 12-hour team.  The Mitch and Bopp did the 6-hour team, they got 7th.  Woulda done better, but Bopp hasn't learned that sometimes the air in a bike tire ends up on the outside of the rubber, and that a means by which to put the air back inside the rubber is necessary. 

Me, I did the 6-hour solo.  Got third.

Cuddos to race sponsors and organizers.  This is how races should be run.  We knew what position we were every time we crossed the timing gate.  Results were in real time.  This thing went off without a hitch.  Absolutely fantastic race.  Loved it. 

 

According to Dr. Roger Minkow, the new Specialized Romin saddle has:

--"a wider channel for perineal cooling"

--"an anti-fungal lorica covering"

--"the highest penile blood flow figures of any saddle he's produced to date"

--"taint-tanium rails and a crab-on shell"

Unauthorized repairs done on Binder Trail

During the Tues eve Binder ride, Mitch made unauthorized repairs to a washed out ditch on the Yellow Trail.  Mitch decided to armour the ditch with his face.  This is not an accepted practice per IMBA and will not result in sustainable trail or face. 

Spanish Lake Race Recap

On you mark.  Get set.  Go!

It was hot.

3rd place marathon.

The End.

Rapture in Misery Roll Call

Anybody wanna do this race? I'm thinking about driving up there on Friday to camp, and then race.